From Panic to Power: I went from fearing water to surfing in the Caribbean sea

Facing My Greatest Fear

A little over a year ago, my biggest fear was swimming. Submerging my head into water, even shallow water where I knew I couldn’t drown would send me into mini-panic attacks. I envied people who surfed, snorkeled and did scuba diving, but it was just something I could watch but never partake in. During the last week of 2024 I went on vacation to Puerto Rico; San Juan, Vieques and Aguadilla. It was a vacation, but I had a bigger goal in mind, I wanted to progressively challenge that fear.

Breaking the Fear

I learned how to swim over the year and practiced regularly. The moment when the fear was broken is tattooed in my memory. I was lying in the water, about to have a mini-panic attack and I pictured my father’s corpse lying lifelessly - something I had experienced seeing just a few weeks prior. At that point, I chose to let go of everything. I realized that there were worse pains to experience and that someday I too would die.

I had a goal in mind; “swim in the ocean”. The ocean represented the pinnacle of my swimming fears. The ocean is incredibly deep, even close to the shore you can feel its immense power.

Taking on the Caribbean Sea - the beginning

During this vacation; we hiked rainforests where I dove in deep waterfalls, I hired snorkeling gear and ventured out into the ocean to snorkel, I took my first surf lesson and I swam in parts of the ocean I would never thought I could or would (deeper than the average pool deep end but close enough to the shore to not be “ocean level deep”). My wife joined me on the journey mostly because I’m a bad influence.

The Body Keeps Score

The body keeps score of things. Each time you don’t do something you aspire for because of a fear, you grow a little more anxious and lose a little of your confidence until you are comfortable cowering away and making excuses for your inability to act. “I don’t care about it anyway” - this is fine if you genuinely feel this way about something, but to quote Fyodor Dostoevsky,

Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.

To the outside world this is just swimming, snorkeling and surfing in the Caribbean Sea, to me this represents the journey I have taken in life.

Unstoppable Force

I may not start at the top or with pre-requisites that catch people’s eyes, in fact I have been doubted and told what I couldn’t do by people who don’t know the journey I have taken and continue to take. That doesn’t bother me because I know what i bring; lethal, aggressive and consistent force. It might take me 2 days or 30 years, but I personalize everything and use that energy to drive me forward, if I have a goal and you stand in my way, you might as well kill me because you have wittingly or unwittingly declared a never-ending war. To put it in less poetic terms, it doesn’t matter who you are you or what you can do to me, stand in my way and die.

Growth is eternal

The process of growth is eternal. Last year my goal was to swim in the ocean, this year over the next 3-5 months my goal is to swim a 2km (or 2 mile - because the USA has taught me to aim higher) length across the ocean/sea from one body of land to another. The top pick for now is Utila to Little Cay Island in Honduras. The Caribbean sea is beautiful and this is my victory lap. I want the juxtaposition of nature’s red carpet surrounding my swim with the dangers that are inherent to the Caribbean sea.

It is never the destination that is exciting, it is the journey and the character development along the way. I look forward to the pains and aches from the practice, the ups and downs of planning the swim, understanding the currents and finding a small team to swim with.

Here’s to a 2025 filled with growth in all areas of life attained through intentionally pursuing challenging goals that push you out of your comfort zone.